The Rom Com Resistance

Throughout my childhood, and beyond it, I learned from the people around me and from the media I consumed that a man and a woman falling in love constituted a happy ending. Falling in reciprocal love with a wonderful man was the absolute best thing that could happen to a woman. The "man + woman = happy ending" message was absolutely everywhere: in books, in movies, in commercials, on billboards. It was baked into the culture of my synagogue and Jewish summer camp, so much so that there was a dedicated wall in the cafeteria on which they hung plaques honoring heterosexual-presenting couples who met at camp and later got married.

As an adolescent and young adult who was never much interested in boys or romance, and who instead enjoyed having friends and hobbies, I always felt like my life had yet to truly begin. I felt shame and embarrassment, but even more so, I felt like I was living in a transitional moment between the innocence and triviality of childhood and the intensity and meaningfulness of adulthood. I wish I could have realized that I was living just as much of a life as all of the people around me who were going off at night and kissing in the bushes, or whatever it was that they did. Thinking about the messages I received from those around me along with the media that I consumed at the time, it makes sense that I felt the way I did. But if I had been able to access some of the media that is available today, I just might have realized the value of my romance-free existence. It thrills me to my core that pop culture is beginning to resist the rom com and its ideology.

I will tolerate a rom com and even enjoy it when it's buoyant and funny, but roms coms often drive me crazy because I feel like the writers simply will not allow their female protagonists to be single at the end. I want more movies that show us that women can be single and whole at the same time. This can be a satisfying ending.

In my early adulthood, I began to grow into my identity as a single woman whose most significant relationships were platonic. I would sit and watch contemporary rom coms like What If? and coming-of-age films like The Edge of Seventeen, and I would hope (futilely) that the writers would go in a different direction this time around. Could it be possible for there to be a meet cute that leads to two people connecting briefly but ultimately parting at the end, self-esteem and mental health in tact? Could it be possible for the protagonist to enter into or strengthen a platonic relationship and for that to be the happy ending? Of course, it is possible in real life, but movies generally do not depict these situations. Especially in rom coms, there is a couple that is meant to be, and it is true love forever, and nothing can stand in their way.

About three quarters of the way through your standard rom com, the couple runs into an obstacle that seems like it will prevent them from being together at the end. Typically, they overcome the obstacle, and there is a happily ever after. But this little bump in the road, this little moment that teases a different outcome, gets me every time. I get so excited. I know it's not actually going to happen, but I pray to the patron saint of platonic relationships that the characters will be single at the end of the film.

A perfect example of this kind of climax comes from the new Vanessa Hudgens rom com, The Knight Before Christmas. Sir Cole, a knight who lives in 1300's Britain, travels to the future because an old crone sends him there to prove his worth. In the world of this movie, a worthy knight is one who falls in love with Vanessa Hudgens, so Sir Cole goes and does it, and when he demonstrates his feelings with a kiss, he gets zapped back into the past because he has completed his quest! When this happens, there are only 16 minutes left in the film.

I was genuinely shocked (what a sucker), as was my friend who joined me for this sophisticated cinematic experience. At that point, we didn't think Sir Cole and Vanessa Hudgens would end up together at the end, and we were eager to find out the resolution. However, they do indeed end up together. Sir Cole decides to head back to the future right before his brother's knighting ceremony, and he doesn't even give a shit that he misses his brother's big moment because he gets to be with Vanessa Hudgens. (I mean, who wouldn't leave everything behind for her?) In this case, I didn't even bother to pray to the patron saint of platonic relationships because I knew what I was in for, but for a second I thought I would witness something a little more exciting than the rom com norm.

There is definitely a place in my life for absurd rom coms like this one. But when they are of higher quality, and when they take themselves more seriously, I always cross my fingers at that three quarter marker. I hope and wish for the tides to change. And reader, after years of faithful and devoted prayer, the payoff is finally here.

My biggest moment of wish fulfillment arrived a couple of months ago, when I fired up Netflix and clicked on Ready to Mingle. (It is called Solteras in Spanish, and I think that is a much more appealing title.) This Mexican rom com centers around Ana, a single woman who feels shame and anxiety as her female friends and relatives all get married. Desperate to land a husband, she enrolls in a class whose teacher claims to know, definitively, how to lock down a man. Ana finds an opportunity to test out her new skills when she meets Diego, and things go well at first! They seem compatible, and although she is insecure in what she has to offer a man, he seems to like her for who she is. As the relationship progresses, her anxiety and insecurity get the better of her, and she tells a massive, horrible lie in order to ensure that he will put a ring on her finger. When she reveals the truth, he leaves.

In the most traditional kind of rom com, these two characters would reconcile and have their happily ever after. However, the times are a-changing. Diego does not forgive Ana, as he almost certainly wouldn't in real life, and she is forced to regroup and move on. In doing so, she self-reflects and realizes that her take-no-prisoners approach to getting engaged makes for an unhealthy lifestyle. Rather than continuing to let shame push her into finding a romantic partner as quickly as possible, she opts for self-acceptance. In the final scene, which takes place at her friend's wedding, a man asks her to dance. She declines and instead dances with her friends. In the final shot, Ana is alone in the frame, dancing her heart out to A Quien Le Importa.

I had never heard this song before I started watching Spanish movies on Netflix, but it is rousing! So energizing! And I was absolutely floored by this closing shot. The moment finally arrived when a rom com ended with a single woman accepting herself and fighting back against the pressure to be in a romantic relationship with a man. I was just looking to have a good time with this rom com, but I was extremely moved.

Ready to Mingle is not without its flaws. It provides a necessary critique of the idea that a woman's worth is determined by the ring on her finger, but this critique is heavy-handed and in need of greater nuance. Ana is a well-developed character, but those surrounding her are not. Even so, I love this movie. The ending is one I have been waiting for since adolescence, and the final moment is hugely satisfying. What makes it even more exciting is that this movie is not a one-off. There are more on-screen stories pushing back against the rom com ideology.

While Ready to Mingle conveys the value of personal growth and self-acceptance, the new Hulu series Dollface tries to convey that platonic relationships can be longer lasting and more fulfilling than romantic ones. I say "tries to" because it does a lot more telling than showing, and I struggle to believe that the friend group it depicts is truly compatible, but I appreciate the show nonetheless. It centers around Jules, a woman who breaks up with her long-term boyfriend and is left completely alone, with no relationships to speak of. Throughout the five years she spent with her boyfriend, she neglected her friendships and lost them entirely. Season 1 focuses on her journey back to her friends and the strengthening of her friend group. No matter the execution, this plot trajectory felt exciting to me. This felt like progress. In addition to the show's central plot and its core value of friendship, I enjoyed the surreal style that it employs to heighten tense moments and add humor to them. (For example, Jules tries to get out of attending a company retreat, and a group of middle-aged men show up, dressed for the races, to bet on the excuse she will end up using.)

In terms of quality, Ready to Mingle and Dollface are both enjoyable, but they are not truly great. Crazy Ex Girlfriend (CEG), on the other hand, is a tv show of remarkable quality. It is the crown jewel of the rom com resistance. (If you have not seen it, you should watch it. Please watch it.) I do not want to say too much, because it is truly incredible and I do not want to spoil it, but this show is acutely aware of every kind of story that has come before it. It critiques, emulates, and parodies more genres than I can mention, but at its core, it is a nuanced response to the rom com. When the series begins, Rebecca Bunch feels deeply unsatisfied with her life, and when she runs into a boy she dated in high school, she decides to move across the country to pursue him. That will surely solve all of her problems.

Though it starts with with a romance-heavy plot and never strays too far from it, CEG is extraordinarily well balanced. Over the course of the series, Rebecca and her pals discover how joyful and fulfilling platonic relationships can be, pursue personal growth by taking up hobbies and going to therapy, advance their careers, and even add new members to their family, with or without a partner. And again, I don't want to say too much, but after all of these remarkably diverse stories, CEG really sticks the landing. It never loses sight of Rebecca's or the other characters' interest in romance, but it does an incredible job of keeping things in perspective and showing the characters and audience that romance is just one aspect of a multifaceted life. The ending of the series could not be more fitting or satisfying.

While Ready to Mingle explores the theme of personal growth, and Dollface explores the merits of friendship, CEG explores both of these ideas as well as many other aspects of a fulfilling life, including romance. When I think about movies and shows that keep romance in perspective and see it as one part of a person's life rather than their entire life, another one that comes to mind is Superstore. Amy and Jonah do a will-they-won't-they dance for three seasons, but once they decide to be together, the show forges ahead with the other plot lines, and their relationship is simply in the background of all of the other conflicts and adventures that arise.

Until a couple of years ago, I believed what I was taught: When a child becomes an adult, she meets a man, dates him, and repeats this process as many times as she needs to, until she finds someone to marry. (She also does a bunch of other things that are not relevant to this post.) This is the traditional conception of adulthood, and it was the one that was reinforced for me and my peers by the marriage wall in our summer camp cafeteria and the many rom coms we consumed.

In the year of our lord 2019, it is becoming more feasible and more common for people (like me!) to eschew this trajectory. I guess we do not need the endorsement of popular culture, and we do not need to be represented, but it sure is nice. I have been waiting a long time for it. The media is important, and it shapes our expectations of ourselves and our lives from a young age. When it represents diverse ideas about what makes a life meaningful and worthwhile, people are more accepting of those around them, and they feel more comfortable being their authentic selves.